Meanwhile… Red Lobster Offers Heart-Shaped Box Of Cheddar Biscuits For Valentine’s Day

Meanwhile… Red Lobster Offers Heart-Shaped Box Of Cheddar Biscuits For Valentine’s Day


>>Stephen: YOU KNOW, I SPEND A
LOT OF TIME OVER OVER THERE, ARTFULLY CARVING, PLANING, AND
POLISHING THE SPRUCE AND WILLOW WOOD OF TODAY’S NEWS, STRINGING
IT WITH THE ALLOY-TREATED SYNTHETIC CAT GUT OF THE LATEST
HEADLINES, TO CRAFT THE STRADIVARIUS THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE. BUT AFTER THE APPLAUSE DIES DOWN
I LIKE TO COLLECT MY ROSES, I LIKE TO TAKE THAT FIDDLE DOWN TO
MEMAW’S CELLAR, BANG ON AN OVERTURNED BASIN, SCRAPE THE OLD
WASHBOARD, AND FINISH OFF THE BATHTUB MOONSHINE OF THE DAY’S
SMALLER STORIES SO I CAN HOLLER THEM BACK AT YOU IN THE BAREFOOT
JUGBAND HOEDOWN OF A SEGMENT THAT I CALL:
“MEANWHILE!” DID GIVES AND IT GIVES. IT’S A BOTTOMLESS WELL OF JOY
“MEANWHILE.” MEANWHILE, A FLORIDA TRAFFIC
STOP LED TO TWO NARCOTICS ARRESTS AFTER POLICE FOUND A BAG
CONTAINING DRUGS IN THE CAR. THE TIP-OFF? THE BAG WAS LABELED “BAG FULL OF
DRUGS.”( LAUGHTER )
AND THEY WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT, IF NOT FOR THEIR
GETAWAY VEHICLE.( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, “YOUTUBE HAS REVEALED
ITS AD REVENUES FOR THE FIRST TIME,” AND IT’S A WHOPPING
“$15 BILLION A YEAR.” NOW, YOU MAY ASK HOW YOUTUBE IS
RAKING IN SUCH AN INSANE AMOUNT OF MONEY, BUT THE FACT– NO, NO! NOT THE YOUTUBE AD COUNTDOWN
THING! NO!>>HEAD STUCK IN A DRAWER? YOU NEED DRAWER FRESHENER, THE
ONLY NON-F.D.A. APPR–”
>>Stephen: YES, SKIP AD. THANK YOU.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHY DO THEY– WHY DO THEY ALWAYS SHOW ME THAT ONE AD? I GOOGLED “HEAD STUCK IN
A DRAWER” ONE TIME. MANWHILE, A TEAM OF SCIENTISTS
BELIEVE YARN GROWN FROM HUMAN SKIN COULD SOON BE USED TO
STITCH UP SURGICAL PATIENTS AND REPAIR ORGANS. THE HEAD OF THE TEAM WAS QUOTED
AS SAYING, “AND IT’S DEFINITELY NOT FOR MAKING HUMAN CENTIPEDES,
IF THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE THINKING. NOW, IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, I’M
JUST GOING TO TAKE A BUNCH OF THE SKIN BACK TO MY BASEMENT
HOME LAB. YOU KNOW WHAT’S NOT WORTH
WORRYING ABOUT? MISSING HITCHHIKERS.”( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE RESEARCHERS SAY THEIR “HUMAN TEXTILE,” WHICH THEY DEVELOPED
FROM SKIN CELLS, CAN BE USED FOR KNITTING, SEWING, AND EVEN
CROCHET, AND CAN AID A NUMBER OF MEDICAL PROCEDURES.” WAIT. AND CAN AID IN MEDICAL
PROCEDURES? THAT MAKES IT SOUND LIKE THE
PRIMARY PURPOSE IS REGULAR KNITTING AND CROCHET. “OHHH, I’M JUST MAKING ANOTHER
SKIN SCARF FOR JOEY. I WORRY THAT OFF IN COLLEGE HE’S
NOT STAYING CREEPY ENOUGH.” GOTTA REMEMBER TO REFRIGERATE
THAT.” MEANWHILE, “ROBERT PATTINSON IS
THE HOTTEST MAN IN THE WORLD, ACCORDING TO MATH.” THE CALCULATIONS WERE PERFORMED
BY THE RENOWNED RESEARCH TEAM OF BECCA AND HAILEY.( LAUGHTER )
PATTINSON’S NUMBER-ONE HOTTIE STATUS ACTUALLY COMES FROM
PLASTIC SURGEON JULIAN DE SILVA, WHO MADE HIS DETERMINATION
USING SOMETHING CALLED “THE GOLDEN RATIO OF BEAUTY PHI,” AN
ANCIENT FORMULA THAT IS WIDELY USED TO MEASURE PHYSICAL
PERFECTION. GREAT JOB, DR. DE SILVA. HISTORICALLY, IF YOU’RE
CALCULATING PHYSICAL PERFECTION USING A FORMULA, YOU’RE ONE OF
THE GOOD GUYS.( LAUGHTER )
AS DE SILVA POINTS OUT, LEONARDO DA VINCI USED “BEAUTY PHI” WHEN
DRAWING THE VITRUVIAN MAN. YES, FAMOUS SMOKE SHOW, THE
VITRUVIAN MAN. I MEAN, JUST LOOK. AT. HOW. HOT. HE. IS! MMM! I MEAN YOU COULD JUST– YEAH!( APPLAUSE )
YOU COULD JUST LOSE YOURSELF IN THAT CAVERNOUS EYE SOCKET. MEANWHILE, “RED LOBSTER HAS
RELEASED HEART-SHAPED BOXES OF CHEDDAR BAY BISCUITS FOR
VALENTINE’S DAY. I LOVE WHEN FOOD COMES IN A
PACKAGE THAT’S THE SHAPE OF THE THING IT’S GOING TO DESTROY. THAT’S WHY–
( APPLAUSE )
THAT’S WHY I EXCLUSIVELY DRINK
“DR. CIRRHOSIS’ LIVER-SHAPED BOURBON.” MEANWHILE, DOMINO’S PIZZA HAS
DEBUTED A ONE-OF-A-KIND PIZZA-THEMED ENGAGEMENT RING–
PERFECT FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO GUARANTEE THE END OF THEIR
RELATIONSHIP IN 30 MINUTES OR LESS.( LAUGHTER )
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JAMES TAYLOR.

32 thoughts on “Meanwhile… Red Lobster Offers Heart-Shaped Box Of Cheddar Biscuits For Valentine’s Day

  1. When is the IPO for natural skin stock for Breast Augmentation and Penile Enhancement??? I see a money maker in future portfolios.
    On line classes demonstration for knitting your own foreskin.

  2. Since The Late Show has added ads mid-video this year, I haven't seen as many clips as I used to because I watch a lot while doing dishes and I'm not going to take my gloves off to skip at 3 minute ad, so I just don't watch Colbet while I'm doing housework anymore.

  3. Wait, YouTube has ads? Since when??? I kinda remember ads from before there were adblockers, but doesn't everybody have adblockers?

  4. Food shaped like the thing it's going to destroy?
    But the iconic love heart is based on the rear view of a woman…
    Oh – wait, no – he's right! Sorry.

  5. "You're my Lobster"? AKA I want to throw you in a vat of boiling water, hear you "scream" as steam escapes the segment plates of your body, crack open your cooked corpse with blunt force instruments, and use you as a transfer medium for butter? What SO finds that tagline endearing? Dolcette? oh….o….k….

  6. Idk if I got a pizza ring from my partner that's a big sine that there a keeper. Who needs a needlessly expensive rock when you got a little pizza. I mean come on it would be so hilarious.

  7. Hmm!! Does this formula only work on ''white dude''s Only?.. I know Of #brothas who are really hot..How come the are not on this ancient list?..

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